‘Female Viagra’ Will Increase Libido For Ugly Chicks Too, FDA Panel Warns

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Female Viagra FDA

An advisory committee to the Food and Drug Administration has recommended the approval of flibanserin, a drug designed to increase sexual desire in women, with the caveat that the pill works just as effectively for unattractive women as it does for attractive ones. “The pill is effective no matter what the woman looks like,” said FDA commissioner Stephen Ostroff. “Let that sink in for a second.”

While the 18-6 vote is considered a victory, most of the panelists voiced concern about its efficacy. “This is not a miracle drug,” said Dr. Phil Hoffman, a member of the board. “Sure, some tens will be screwing more, but it’s at the cost of a bunch of ones and twos running around with itchy twats.”

Several panelists said the label should advise ugly women of using the drug around men who are drinking alcohol, since it could impair male judgment. One member suggested that a hand mirror be included in the box to give women “one last shot to decide if they’re fuck material, though that would only protect against butterfaces.”

In some states, pharmacists would be allowed to turn customers away if their belief system dictates that they’re not pretty enough for the pill. “I’m not gonna help some busted chick get porked,” said Randy Willis, a Walgreens pharmacist from Arkansas. “That’s like asking me—so basically Jesus—to pork her.”

“The nation’s undesirables will be hornier than ever once this pill goes to market,” said Dr. Tobias Blount of Cornell University. “Luckily, there are 26 male sexual dysfunction drugs, which should help those poor guys married to suddenly randy bushpigs.”

Interested in more news from the medical world? Check out Newly Discovered Disorder Prevents Angry White Men From Understanding The First Amendment.

The post ‘Female Viagra’ Will Increase Libido For Ugly Chicks Too, FDA Panel Warns appeared first on Runt Of The Web.

Which Forgotten Condiment Are You?

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You’re certain you add flavor to virtually any situation, yet time and time again, you are ignored and left to sit for months on end, chilling in the exact same location in the refrigerator door. You’ve known it’s true for a while now — you are an overlooked condiment. The question is, which one? Take this quiz and find out!

  1. You’re getting dressed to go out on a Friday night. You:

  2. Which Golden Girl do you think was best in bed?

  3. The main reason you smell weird is:

  4. Your last relationship didn’t work out because:

  5. Your favorite way to clear a room is:

  6. Your dream job is:

  7. Your favorite subreddit is about:

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Cameron Crowe Casts Hawaiian Actor In Title Role Of Upcoming MLK Biopic

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Cameron Crowe Hawaiian Actor

After coming under fire last week for casting Emma Stone as a quarter-Hawaiian, quarter-Chinese character in his film Aloha, director Cameron Crowe has promised to make amends by casting Hawaiian actor Jason Momoa to star in his next project, a biopic of Martin Luther King Jr.

Momoa, most famous for playing Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones, was born in Honolulu and is of Hawaiian descent on his father’s side. Crowe hopes that having the future Aquaman portray one of the most important African American leaders in history will appease his critics.

“I’m sorry that people were so offended by my casting choice,” Crowe said. “But Jason is half-Hawaiian, and I’m giving him the chance to play the leader of the African-American Civil Rights Movement. I hope that’s enough to stop everyone’s bitching. If not, I’ll just have to make Jerry Maguire 2 and maybe switch out Tom Cruise for the fat guy with the shrimp truck on Hawaii Five-0… Shit, I think he might be Samoan.”

Crowe also pointed out that all the blame rests solely on him as Stone tried “really, really hard” to be convincingly Hawaiian.

“Emma did so much research for the role, you guys,” said Crowe. “She watched Lilo and Stitch and 50 First Dates at least twice each. Not to mention, when the Hawaiian staff at the hotel came to change her sheets, she was very observant and took notes on their Hawaiianisms. I guess that’s not enough, though. If this debacle has taught me anything, it’s that people obviously want to see more Hawaiians in movies.”

The post Cameron Crowe Casts Hawaiian Actor In Title Role Of Upcoming MLK Biopic appeared first on Runt Of The Web.

20 Incredible And Undeniably Stupid Facts

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random-facts-reagan

Just when you thought you knew everything you didn’t want to know, along comes another great listicle. This collection from our dedicated team of Googlers proves that no two facts are alike:

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Want more stupid facts? Check out our other posts on Fun Facts That Are Completely Useless and Random Facts That Do Nothing For Anybody.

The post 20 Incredible And Undeniably Stupid Facts appeared first on Runt Of The Web.

Ryan Gosling Reveals He’s Been A Jar Of Nutella This Whole Time

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Ryan Gosling Is A Jar Of Nutella

Beloved heart throb and relentless meme Ryan Gosling surprised fans this week when he revealed that he has, in fact, been a jar of Nutella this entire time. For years, rumors circulated that the actor, who first rose to fame in the two hour Abercrombie and Fitch ad “The Notebook,” may secretly be a chocolate condiment.

Gosling’s typical good looks and extraordinarily generic persona certainly seemed to indicate that he was an inanimate object, yet his cookie cutter smirk has for well over a decade driven countless white girls like myself to lose their fucking minds.

The enigma behind Goslings success was explained last week when I sat down to watch TV with my roommate and stumbled across “Lars and the Real Girl,” Gosling’s failed attempt at Oscar-bait. I then proceeded to text my friend Jessica, describing Gosling as “OMG so delicious” and “yummy” before making a series of moaning sounds alone on my couch.

I didn’t let the fact that I’d had this conversation 87 times before stop me from going on and on about how he was so good on literally everything before I licked my fingers and exclaimed that I was being so bad! That was when it hit me.

“Hey, girl,” I thought, “It’s time to own up to the fact that you’ve been masturbating to a jar of spreadable chocolate for well over a decade.” I then proceeded to devour Gosling without so much as a sip of coconut water to wash down his gooey body, licking my fingers and refusing to stop, even when I became nauseous.

What I’m trying to tell you is that last night I ate Ryan Gosling with my bare hands.

The post Ryan Gosling Reveals He’s Been A Jar Of Nutella This Whole Time appeared first on Runt Of The Web.

Runt’s Guide To Acing Any Job Interview

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Job Interview

Competition in the workforce is tough these days. What with the Obama Worldwide Recession, skyrocketing cost of living, delayed retirement, increased college graduation rates, and that thing that happened during spring break you swore you’d never talk about again, you have to make sure you stand out from the crowd. You’ve gone over your resume with a fine-toothed comb, written the perfect cover letter, and called your well connected uncle to put in a good word for you. All that’s left is the interview, and Runt is here to show you how to do it.

Show the right amount of skin: all of it

Bare It All

You want to make it clear to your potential future employer that you have no secrets, and no boundaries.

Inspire confidence with your leadership experience

MS 13 Gang Leader

Then sow fear with your criminal record.

Address interviewers as Master, Mistress, My Lord, or My Lady

Lord Of Winterfell

This shows respect.

Bring Nana’s famous shortbread cookies

Grandma

Or—better yet–bring Nana!

Whatever you do, neither smile, nor make eye contact with your interviewer. EVER.

Angry Man

Eye contact and smiling are aggressive signals to many animals

Refer to yourself in the third person when highlighting your qualifications and accomplishments

Referring To Yourself In The Third Person

This shows humility.

If you’ve never soaked a tampon in vodka then this is a good time to start

Absolut Tampax

But don’t be rude. Offer to share with your interviewer.

Insist that you’re sterile

Job Interview Maternity Leave

The United States is still decades away from paid maternity leave, but you don’t want to spook any potential employers.

Blow your competition out of the water

House Boat On Fire

It shouldn’t take more than an afternoon—he lives on a houseboat and you have an attic full of fireworks.

Be sure to follow up with a thank you note and a vial for your interviewer to fill with her blood

Vial Of Blood

Don’t forget to include a pre addressed/stamped envelope. You weren’t raised by wolves!

If you liked Runt’s Job Interview Tips be sure to check out Runt’s Rehab Style Guide.

The post Runt’s Guide To Acing Any Job Interview appeared first on Runt Of The Web.

29 Of The Funniest Newspaper Headlines Ever Printed

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Because somewhere in the world (usually Florida) something hilariously bizarre is going on, enjoy twenty-nine of the funniest newspaper headlines we could find:

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Enjoy these hilarious newspaper headlines? Then be sure to check out Runt of the Web’s other posts on funny quotes and funny signs you don’t want to miss!

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U.S. Economy Added 243,000 Republican Presidential Candidates In May

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Economy Republican Candidates

The American economy added 243,000 Republican candidates in May, confirming predictions that a rebound would continue for a tiny minority of billionaires funding their Super PACs. The hike marks a turnaround from the relatively low 127,000 candidates created in April.

The finance sector accounted for 68,000 candidates, while health care and auto industries created another 72,000. The remainder was divided between the Koch brothers and dark money.

At 6.2%, the non-candidacy rate of total right-wing politicians is at an all-time low. Economists predict it could fall below 5% if tax cuts and loopholes continue to gain steam. However, the broadest measure of non-candidacy—politicians who still pay for their own dinners—remains at 10.8%.

“It’s a good report, but there’s room for improvement,” said a senior advisor from the Office of the Secretary. “We will not rest until all Republicans—even those who can barely muster up an endorsement from an ex-American Idol contestant like Bo Bice, for instance—are able to run for president.”

Analysts predict that Duck Dynasty photo ops may indirectly boost Republican aspirants in the third quarter, but would likely be offset by off-the-books child support for second families and hush money needed to cover up the inevitable surfacing of Grindr dick pics.

Meanwhile, the Labor Department has announced it will stop its monthly jobs report and switch focus to Republican presidential candidates, since they have officially surpassed the number of new employees being added to the workforce.

Interested in more presidential candidate news? Check out GOP Blasts Rand Paul After Politically Correct Tweets Surface.

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